I have always used my writing as an
outlet for everything I have been going trough in life. I always right when I am
sad and going through things with
friends and loved ones. My sadness, happiness, my emotional roller coaster has
been linked to one person that has been a constant for the past 3 years. I have written about him time and time again,
I have never been able to let go, I have never been able to move on. I fell in
love with someone so hard that everything after him has been destroyed. I haven’t
been able to enjoy myself or look at people the same way. My entire world
changed the day I met him. Once I lost the baby, and then him shortly after I was
ripped to shreds and have been picking up the pieces every day since for the
past two years. This journey has come to a conclusion I never saw coming, never
thought I would be strong enough to endure. Here we are, the end and yet, the beginning.
When you fall in love so hard that
everything you do in life becomes dull with out that special person, every
thought has them somewhere in it, everything you see has that someone in it,
when you fall in love so hard your world, life, being, change and everything
gets ripped from your very grasp and you slowly watch it disappear, there is no
feeling like it. A heart break like no other, Destroying. Somehow over the past couple years I have
managed to pick myself up and put myself back together piece by piece. I
finally feel like a whole person, like there is not something missing anymore.
As hard as it has been I have worked so hard to try an remain friends and keep
a distance. A distance enough to allow him to live his life comfortably as well
as my own. I went through a big life change about 6 months ago and the only
person in the world I wanted more than anything was him. I need him, that sense
of security and feeling. I always knew he was my “person”. You know the person that
can always make things better, the person that when something good or bad
happens, their the one you want. The person you know will always be honest with
you no matter how difficult things get or how hard they are to say. The person
that will call you on your bullshit without hesitation. HE is my person. Since the
day we met. I never understood exactly why but there has always been something
about him. When I told him what happened to me, the way I was feeling about the
situation and about the friendship him and I had lost he stepped up to a point I
never thought he would. He apologized and blamed himself for allowing the
distance between us get so large. I thought we had our fresh start, but, I was
wrong.
I have thought about this lot and I
think it is time. It is time because it has to be. Over the past few weeks it
is starting to be more apparent that past lovers cannot remain friends. They can’t
remain your “person”. They cannot remain a part of your life. I have given up
happiness and relationships because he matters so much to me. I wish I did not
give up those things and that I realized this sooner but it is what it is. Everything
happens for a reason. The pictures I have
up in my room need to come down. The pictures I have on my computer need to
come off. Everything needs to become a memory. I am done being angry at him and
him not knowing. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy that he is happy and I wish
nothing but the best for him but I don’t want to know anything anymore. I hate
having to investigate and wonder. If we were really friends then he would be
able to talk to me regardless, if we were friends and I mattered even half as
much to him as he does to me, he wouldn't have to worry or walk on egg shells. I
know that I will always have a soft spot, a weakness for him, but logically,
letting go is the only thing left to do. His life will be happier, as will
mine. I know it isn’t going to be easy, and when I take down the pictures and
clear him out, I will cry. I will cry because I am afraid to forget, I am
afraid to let go. I am afraid, nothing more to it. Straight up afraid. Time will
pass and it will be easier but I can feel it now, deep in my chest, the feeling
of loss. I am a different person than I was 3 years ago, I am a sronger person.
Letting go of unnecessary anger, lost love, and an amazing person. As hard as
it is to let go, I am thinking of this as a whole new beginning, a fresh start,
a new life.
