DV the journey

     You know, it's funny how you never fully understand a situation until you become a part of it, or experience it in some way. For me, right now, it is domestic violence. I never understood how women went back to the men that would hit them, or put them down constantly. I never understood forgiveness of behavior as sickening as that. Mostly, I never understood how women take the abuse in the first place, how it ever got to the point where the male thought it was okay, or the woman never said anything in regards to what was happening when it was happening.
     Domestic violence is something a woman never thinks would happen to them. I never thought I would be the kind of woman to allow something like that, to not fight back. For weeks I have been mulling over the situation, being hit by a man, and having sex with him out of fear is something i cannot wrap my head around. any free moment I have had in the past few weeks has been consumed with thoughts, memories, and trying to understand what had happened. When talking to my friends I would tell the story like it was not big deal, like i was okay. Not one of them ever suspected that as the days went on, I became closer and closer to the edge, to breaking down. I had been in such denial, thinking about how much worse it could have been so i didn't have a right to be as upset. I would think that maybe it was a normal thing, like for how people get rough during sex...as i have not had a whole lot of experience in the bedroom i believed this was plausible.  I would talk to friends asking if i was over reacting, it what i was feeling was invalid. every person took my side, every person told me that i was hit by a man and no slapping me across the face was not a "normal" thing to do. Even with all my friends validating the way i was feeling after that night, i still could not accept that this had happened, i could not feel bad. all i could do was replay, replay, replay
     It was not until I told a friend and the way he reacted made me feel guilty, disgusting, an like i was the situation was all my fault that it hit me. I had to run out of work because i could feel the flood gates opening.  I cried, and could not understand how someone could take his side. I was destroyed. the weeks of mulling, being on the verge of breaking down, dealing with everything else in life, and that one thing, that one moment, changed everything.  I wept, I wept a lot, i finally accepted what had happened. I finally realized that i was not over reacting and that my feelings of anger up to this point are completely valid. I still do not know how i accepted something like this, more like i dont know how i let him hit me more than once. i don't know how i let him scare me this much. but what i do know is that right now, i am not okay. and it is okay not too be okay. it is okay to feel hurt. I am okay to be feeling what i am feeling. but i also know it is going to take one hell of a guy in my future to undo the damage that has been place upon me. Right now i feel like that may never happen, right now i can not see the end of this journey, but i know it wont be this way for life. so for now i am accepting and overcoming by allowing myself to feel.,,everything.

FUCKING WOMEN!

Someday's I hate being a woman! I blame the fact that I have a vagina that I am an emotional disaster! One day I am the strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, and the next i am a sorry excuse for a human being crying over every little thing and needing someone to hold my hand through it all. other days i am just really pissed off...and why? I have no fucking clue! After 23 years, I am so over it! I am so angry that i don't know what to expect from one day to the next. Some would say i have a choice whether or not to be happy, i swear..I DON'T! I try putting a smile on my face, listening to my favorite music, being nice, going to a place where there is nice people...nothing. absolutely nothing. that when things just piss me off some more. Why do things have to be this complicated. Not only do i have to deal with these dumb-ass sever mood swings, i also have to explain myself. like what the hell!?! If i had any fucking clue as to why i feel the way i do when i feel that way, don't you think i would fucking fix it! my god! i don't enjoy being this way. ...maybe i need help, a shrink? ...no they would just put me on med i never needed to be on in the first place. well..shit! i always knew it was going to take a strong man to handle me, but i never thought it would take a strong me to handle be. HOW FUCKING FANTASTIC! 

the first day of the rest of my life

Throughout life there comes points, checkpoints, when you begin to realize things about our life that just never made any sense before. Like you have a sudden realization of why you aren't truly happy, or that you need to go back to school, or that maybe you aren't really as big as you thought you were. These can be both humbling and motivating, and if you are lucky enough, both. I have had a lot of sobering thoughts and moments in my life that give me a new outlook on my own life. My first big realization was when I faced a fear of mine. This last one, simply looking in the mirror and finally seeing what everyone else says they do. I am not sure why it is that men have such big ego's and women do not, but I am certain that mine, just grew. My entire life friends and family have always told me how beautiful i am, how amazing i am, i have such a kind heart and this and that, and my whole life i have always believed them but thought they were all biased opinions because they were those closest to me and well...they had to say it, right? wrong! I always knew i was a different kind of woman, the kind that people just don't run into very often anymore but even knowing that i could never seen all the great things in myself that everyone else saw. then something happened today. Nothing out of the ordinary happened but i was getting ready for work, doing my hair and make up and i looked in the mirror, and i smiled. I just stared, and thought back on where i was just a few years earlier and the transformation that has come over me. Looks wise, i have looks as i have always looked, but personality wise, i never knew i could grow so much! My thoughts consisted of; i am a beautiful woman, i am a challenge, but a challenge that is well worth it. My ex, he fucked up by giving someone like me up, I may not have it all but i am pretty fucking amazing and if he cant see that, i am not going to waste my time trying to show him.  I am capable and strong and anything i want, i can have! I have no time to waste being unhappy because someone is trying to make me so, i have no time to waste on people who do not care, i have no time to waste sitting around dreaming. the only things i have time for is the people who love me and see my beauty in every way, and who see my faults and love and stick by my side always, i have time to chase my dreams and make them into a reality. i have time to change my future and have it be everything i have ever dreamed of. my realization today: i have time to invest in myself, believe in myself, be confident in myself, because if i don't, who will? time to make a change, its the first day of the rest of my life!

depressive state of confusion

As of right now, I hate people. I don't understand what is going on in my life and in my heart. I am not sure I have ever felt so lost in my life. I feel like everything around me is crumbling and crashing and my body is getting weak trying to keep my head above water. To put a smile on my face has been a tough challenge all week. I feel so alone, like no one is here for me, like no one knows me well enough to see I am drowning right before them. This is such a weird thing for me. I am usually so positive and upbeat but I cannot seem to pull myself out of this hell. Doing the things I enjoy most in life are not even helping. A love that I believed I had let go came crawling back harder than ever. Random finding of things bring back so many memories, so much I had forgotten about. It was all the little things that reminded me why I had fallen in love in the first place. How do I deal with the fact that I love this man? How do I deal with the fact that he is dating a friend of mine and he loves her? How do I move on from something I just can't let go? He is one of my best friends. In theory we would work, but I was there when it failed. I do not know what to do with my heart and my mind. Is  it just that emotions are coming back because I keep finding the things I had forgotten about, or do I actually still have feelings for him as more than a friend interest? My friends, they are there without being there. I spend so much time listening and being there for everyone else that I, again, have forgotten how to take care of myself. What is it that I personally want? I have school and work all figured out, but, what is it going to take to make me smile again. Sometimes I wish this life came with a manual so I could understand why I am going through all this confusion. I just need for this all to end. I don't know how much longer I can take all this. 

Until then...

So, I have been thinking a lot the past few days about you and I. For the last two and a half years I have been in love with you, I knew from the day we met that someday we would be together. I admired everything about you. Your quick wit, vast amount of knowledge, sense of humor, compassion, drive, and excitement for life. Everything I saw in you, I wanted in a life partner. Everything I experienced was everything I never knew I needed. I grew up strong, never needing anyone for anything and then you came along. I will never know what it was about you that made me feel so secure,safe and alive. I knew from the start that you were going to be in my life forever and no matter what happened we would always find a way to overcome it. When we started dating in 2012 I never thought we would break up, never thought you could ever break my heart, but I also never counted on either of us changing into people we did not recognize. You and I have been though a lot, maybe not the typical people a lot, but a lot for the two of us. I do not know why we keep trying, why we keep fighting. one of us is always done until the other is. I guess that the fact that we keep fighting is a good thing right, it means we still care?
     Being your friend is continuously one of the most difficult things I have ever had to keep up with. I honestly did not think it was going to be this difficult. But when I see the look you give other girls, or the way you talk to them, I cant help but think, "that should be me", "that should have been me". Other girls get the you that I never got, that is why I act funny when I witness it, that is why I am upset when it happens. The whole time we dated that was all I wanted from you and I never got it. I didn't get the look, the actions, the way you spoke. Everything I knew you were, you were never for me. I knew how you were with her, things you did with her, things you did for her, and I never felt I would ever get that from you. Not to discredit what you did do, but it was 10 fold with her and I am sure it will be with your next. I was a rebound girl for you, and even though you will not admit it, that is what it was. You were heartbroken at ending things with her, temporarily transferred your feelings to me and then gave up. I know you saw things differently, a lot differently but you can not discredit the way i felt you came off during the course of our relationship. You have a way of dismissing how I felt/feel because you saw or felt differently. Like I told you recently, how you come off to people is sometimes different than the way you may intend to come off. I do it all the time, but I can apologize for it. I can have a conversation from it. Out of everything, what i wanted most, was to talk to you. talk to you about absolutely nothing and every possible thing, I never wanted to stop getting to know you. I wanted to be able to sit on the couch with you, drink in hand, and bullshit all night long. I wanted to be able to go out with you, dance, drink, play, have fun...we never really had the chance to do any of it. I know I was wrong in many many ways but there are reasons behind it.
     You told me once we began being friends again that you never wanted to be with me again, that it was never going to happen because you just don't feel that way, and even if you did you would tell yourself no because you could just remind yourself of how unhappy you were. They are your thoughts and feelings and I respect that, although, I do not agree with them. I know neither of us were happy in our relationship for a long time, but did you ever consider the fact that with time we grow up, become wiser, grow into our own more and more and those could be the two people that do end up together? We always said that our friendship in a relationship would be the most perfect thing. One key element fell out of that friendship, talking. I do not know what it is about you and I, but where normal people can sit down and have a conversation about their lives, and feelings, and nothing, and everything, we never could. Fuck! even now we can't and I hate it! we talk at work, that's it. I am not sure what kind of friendship that is but if it is the one I can have, then fine.
     Every day I walk into work, I put a smile on my face and try to hide from you exactly what I am going through. Every day I walk into work your words ring through my head and I just cannot escape them. Everyday I talk to you, pretend I am not jealous, pretend I never  fell in love, pretend that some days all I want is your arms wrapped  around me, I pretend and pretend and it seems to still fail me but I guess that is okay. I would rather not hide from you. I would rather you know exactly what I am going through with you and knowing exactly how I feel. You knowing is better than me trying to hide and it coming off differently. Truth is: I love you, and that will never go away. Sometimes I think about the future and how things would be if we got back together. I think about the way it felt when you had your arms wrapped around me and imagine the way it would happen if we had the chance to kiss again. I play out scenes in my head about the way I wish things could be. On the flip side though i think about how completely frustrating you are and the fact that I can't talk to you like I wish I could. I think about how unhappy I was so much of the time, and how much I second guessed the moves you and I both made. I think about how much better things could have been and just were not, I think about why and what could have been different. So much goes through my head, so although I love you and miss you on a more personal level, does not exactly mean that you are who I want to be with.
      You are not the only one at fault for anything and I always seem to do a good job at blaming you for everything that is wrong. I shouldn't do that and I apologize.  I did a lot wrong in our relationship and the longer we are not in one the more I realize things that actually went on. I had blinders on our entire relationship, and I do not have them on now.  I know I have caused you pain and heartache, though you will not admit it, I do not believe  you are invincible to feelings. Maybe one of the reasons I am having such a difficult time with you is because of what I am realizing. I know I would be good for you, and I just think, if I were the person I am now, with you then, we wouldn't be here now. That is why it kills me when you tell me things like your feelings are never going to change and we are never going to try again, that's why I get jealous when I witness you flirting with other girls. I like to think I can do a better job at making you happy. I hate that I did things that pushed you so far from me that it can never be like it was. I like to say I never regret anything from my past because it made me who I am now, but sometimes, even though I know I can't, I wish I could go back, that we, could go back. I am sorry for blaming you for everything, I do realize fault in myself. You, me, and our relationship has taught me so much, and made me who I am now, and even though there are days I wish we could go back, I am pleased with the way I am now, I just wish I had the opportunity to show you what, who, we made.
      I get the feeling that things will never again be simple with us. As much as I wish things were different right now, I know things take time. We have set backs in our friendship but we become stronger friends because of it. I know I get frustrating, and I know I know I get things wrong, but next time, Talk to me about it instead of being upset with me or the situation. I am not a mind reader, I do not know what is going through your head and I never will. I just need for us to communicate and not be afraid to do so.

Until then...

idk why i just dont understand this right now.

Its 2 am and I just can't sleep...thoughts of you are keeping me awake. I don't know what it is, but tears are rolliñg down  face anD I can't get a grip on why I feèl this way. I miss you more than normàl, and just dont know what to do. I remember the feeling of your arms wrapped around me and I totally lose control. I thought it was getting better, this came out of nowhere hopefully this is a phase I needed and the pain can end right here. I have loved you so Much, but my heart is always breaking, letting go of you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have given it time, and probably too Much thought, but I know now its time, to cut my losses and split. I'm so sorry for everything, could have made things better but there is just no going back and I'll now live with this forever.

mixed signals

Mixed signals seem to be a reoccurring theme in my life. One day it’s one thing, the next it’s another. Every hour I get a different signal from something or someone, myself included. It was not all too long ago that I decided I needed to change my life, I needed to stop doing the things I was doing in order to attain the life I ultimately want.  A couple of years ago I would not have like the woman I have become, not in the sense that I do not like myself just I didn’t like what I was doing. Everyone says woman and men have their needs, and those needs to be satisfied. Those needs are fun to satisfy...if and only if it is done in the right way. I went through a break up 9.5 months ago and it was the worst one I had been though. We were not together long but my heart was so much more invested in him, and at the time I thought I had lost my best friend as well as boyfriend and it just sent me over the edge.  I began a friends with benefits friendship with a guy I worked with. Both of us had gotten out of a relationship and he was not looking for anything serious and that is when I decided that I wasn’t either.  I thought, why would I want to get my heart broken again!? What is a friends with benefits situation going to do anyway? I get all the fun and good feeling without having to care about anyone else, to have my heart invested in anyone else. This was my surefire way to never feel the way I was feeling ever again. I was so sure that I would never love again, that I was just going to swear off all men unless that was the kind of relationship I was going to have with them. I decided that I would forever be single and happy, and to never risk that happiness again. So, that’s what I did, I had sex with this guy. Though it was never in a bed or a room or somewhere spacious, it was always in the back of my car at a random part around town that we decided to go to that night, or even in parking lots (hoping they did not have cameras!).  after a little bit I just started to feel like a drunk sex buddy. I do not drink so this was a very big deal for me. I was always getting the drunk phone calls, lets go out and drink. It was always a code, always something first then we would end up in the back of my car. At first this was fun, no feelings right? No! Turns out this guy was pretty amazing. He was smart, funny, caring, sensitive he was so many things…when he was sober. We always stayed together until he sobered up and we went on a couple of dates, that is how I know this. I am the kind of person to look for good in people so instinctively I held on to all I knew was good. Well in doing that feelings started to form and I knew that was not what he wanted so I called off the friendship. This became a surefire way to break my own heart. It didn’t take long for feelings to set back in…you know, the kind of feelings that need to be satisfied. I caved…quick! We talked about feelings and drunkenness and we were going to try and work on that aspect of our friendship. We work together, going back almost seemed easier, avoid the awkwardness kind of thing. The earth has a way of working things out, it didn’t take long for me to get fed up that nothing was working, our talk had done nothing! We started seeing less and less of each other and the less we saw of each other, the harder he tried to be more than a friend, without being a friend.  It seemed the only way I could escape him was sexually. The more I heard from him, the more annoyed I got.  I think he was trying so hard, maybe because something told him, he knew this was no more. One of the last times we had our in counter he did something stupid, we did something stupid. I was on birth control but everyone knows that is not completely effective, and I was having fun,  wasn’t thinking…any of the times and we went condomless! I know I know, not my best idea but it happened. And as much as I wanted him to cum in me I knew it wasn’t smart, and apparently at 28 years old he didn’t…then he did. I was so upset! So scared! My mind started racing and I didn’t know what to do. A friend of mine told me to always pee right after, pee out the sperm…so I did that first. He knew I was mad, furious really and he kept trying to calm me down, try to make everything seem okay…but it was never going to be. Plan B again! That little pill is expensive but totally worth it if it meant not having a baby with the guy I was only supposed to be friends with. That night I decided no more. How could he live his life that way…doing this to girls because it feels better and its cleaner, not worrying about it! I am only 22 years old, a kid…especially with him is not what I want so I told myself that night I was done. From that night on things with us…all things were over with. I could not risk that anymore. I forgot what it was like to not worry about being pregnant.

 Feeling stripped of that burden I looked to someone else. Someone I had been crushing on…also at work.  I was happy and it was the next night that I was able to hang out with him. We learned some things...got a little feely and one thing led to another and again…in the back of my car an oops happened. This was the fastest oops I swear in history! He wasn’t even in long enough for me to get any pleasure out of it before he look up and says “oops!”. I could not believe this! What kind of girl was I becoming!? Two oops’s, back to back nights, different guys! Well shit! What are the chances I could have a kid now! The first guy hates kids, is irresponsible, and not someone I could count on in the end, the second I didn’t know well enough, long enough to ever fathom the thought of having a kid with. I could not believe I had done something so stupid. I needed my best friend, my ex. I went through some serious self-evaluating. I needed to hear that I was being stupid and that I was worth so much more than meaningless sex with guys that I meant nothing to. I needed to start believing in myself and my worth again. Turns out that a friends with benefits creates a bad sense of self, self-loathing.

Luckily for me and a 50 dollar pill I am not pregnant. I do not know what I would have done if I was. Thanks to my two best friends I am getting through this and re-building my life and my self-worth.  I have learned a lot about myself in this experience so I would not trade it for anything. I have learned that I am worth something. I am worth loving, caring for, being around. I deserve love, a relationship, stability. I am a good woman and I am not going to settle for anything less anymore. The more I was going through this the more I realized what a good guy is and the more I missed him. The more I felt like I would never find anyone again. That is where these mixed signals come in. I love him more than anything, I would do anything for him, no matter how much it hurt me. I don’t know if things will ever work with us on a romantic level, though from time to time I want nothing more than that, I know that I cannot live my life without him, or without my other best friend. No matter what I do they always stick with me, tell me when I am being stupid, and when don’t listen they are there to help me still.  I go back and forth on my feelings, sometimes I miss it, sometimes I want to have fun but then I have to remember everything I have gone through, going through, and will go through and its just not worth it anymore.  I am coming into my own in a new way. I thought I had it all figured out, I had all the answers but the truth is I learn something new about myself every single day and with each new thing I learn, I realize more and more that It is okay not to have the answers. I am going to mess up, do dumb things but I will always come out stronger for it. 

What happened?

Every day I live I can feel my self slowly slipping into someone I no longer recognize with ease. Each day when I look in the mirror, I study my fave and my body to try and find the person I once was. I  look at myself and wonder if I am changing into a different person of just becoming more myself. I look for outside inspiration to help me find answers, but it seem the more I do so, the more lost I seem to become. I don't know who I am, where I come from, or why I am here. Living blindly seemed to be working out for me. Less stress and worry. More happiness and laughter. What was it that kept me grounded for so long? Why is it I have lived my entire life to please everyone else? Could I be the person I was destined to be that has just been hiding behind the bullshit of a life I have been living the last twenty-two years? What does all this mean? When will clarity prevail and let me live my life how it is intended for me to live? I dig and dig for happiness on a daily basis and have convinced myself that I am even though I feel as though my entire world is going to crumble at the drop of a hat. I love being around people I feel no pressure from, but it is being with those exact people why I feel pressure. Because of the life I have previously lived I am expected to live a certain way. To act a certain way. only that way, it's not my way. I have become so lost in an identity that I have been building up for the last twenty-two years that I am not sure I will be able to dig my way out. Maybe being on my own will do the trick. Maybe it is just a matter of distincing myself from those who assume me to be a certain way, to act a certain way. Maybe it is those people are the reasons I am so lost in identity and life. I guess all I can really do now is survive the confusion. Be myself, whomever that may really be. Surround myself with those who make me feel good about myself regardless of my appearance, who I choose to see, the music i listen to or even the color of my skin. I want happiness, the one I had not too long ago.