mixed signals

Mixed signals seem to be a reoccurring theme in my life. One day it’s one thing, the next it’s another. Every hour I get a different signal from something or someone, myself included. It was not all too long ago that I decided I needed to change my life, I needed to stop doing the things I was doing in order to attain the life I ultimately want.  A couple of years ago I would not have like the woman I have become, not in the sense that I do not like myself just I didn’t like what I was doing. Everyone says woman and men have their needs, and those needs to be satisfied. Those needs are fun to satisfy...if and only if it is done in the right way. I went through a break up 9.5 months ago and it was the worst one I had been though. We were not together long but my heart was so much more invested in him, and at the time I thought I had lost my best friend as well as boyfriend and it just sent me over the edge.  I began a friends with benefits friendship with a guy I worked with. Both of us had gotten out of a relationship and he was not looking for anything serious and that is when I decided that I wasn’t either.  I thought, why would I want to get my heart broken again!? What is a friends with benefits situation going to do anyway? I get all the fun and good feeling without having to care about anyone else, to have my heart invested in anyone else. This was my surefire way to never feel the way I was feeling ever again. I was so sure that I would never love again, that I was just going to swear off all men unless that was the kind of relationship I was going to have with them. I decided that I would forever be single and happy, and to never risk that happiness again. So, that’s what I did, I had sex with this guy. Though it was never in a bed or a room or somewhere spacious, it was always in the back of my car at a random part around town that we decided to go to that night, or even in parking lots (hoping they did not have cameras!).  after a little bit I just started to feel like a drunk sex buddy. I do not drink so this was a very big deal for me. I was always getting the drunk phone calls, lets go out and drink. It was always a code, always something first then we would end up in the back of my car. At first this was fun, no feelings right? No! Turns out this guy was pretty amazing. He was smart, funny, caring, sensitive he was so many things…when he was sober. We always stayed together until he sobered up and we went on a couple of dates, that is how I know this. I am the kind of person to look for good in people so instinctively I held on to all I knew was good. Well in doing that feelings started to form and I knew that was not what he wanted so I called off the friendship. This became a surefire way to break my own heart. It didn’t take long for feelings to set back in…you know, the kind of feelings that need to be satisfied. I caved…quick! We talked about feelings and drunkenness and we were going to try and work on that aspect of our friendship. We work together, going back almost seemed easier, avoid the awkwardness kind of thing. The earth has a way of working things out, it didn’t take long for me to get fed up that nothing was working, our talk had done nothing! We started seeing less and less of each other and the less we saw of each other, the harder he tried to be more than a friend, without being a friend.  It seemed the only way I could escape him was sexually. The more I heard from him, the more annoyed I got.  I think he was trying so hard, maybe because something told him, he knew this was no more. One of the last times we had our in counter he did something stupid, we did something stupid. I was on birth control but everyone knows that is not completely effective, and I was having fun,  wasn’t thinking…any of the times and we went condomless! I know I know, not my best idea but it happened. And as much as I wanted him to cum in me I knew it wasn’t smart, and apparently at 28 years old he didn’t…then he did. I was so upset! So scared! My mind started racing and I didn’t know what to do. A friend of mine told me to always pee right after, pee out the sperm…so I did that first. He knew I was mad, furious really and he kept trying to calm me down, try to make everything seem okay…but it was never going to be. Plan B again! That little pill is expensive but totally worth it if it meant not having a baby with the guy I was only supposed to be friends with. That night I decided no more. How could he live his life that way…doing this to girls because it feels better and its cleaner, not worrying about it! I am only 22 years old, a kid…especially with him is not what I want so I told myself that night I was done. From that night on things with us…all things were over with. I could not risk that anymore. I forgot what it was like to not worry about being pregnant.

 Feeling stripped of that burden I looked to someone else. Someone I had been crushing on…also at work.  I was happy and it was the next night that I was able to hang out with him. We learned some things...got a little feely and one thing led to another and again…in the back of my car an oops happened. This was the fastest oops I swear in history! He wasn’t even in long enough for me to get any pleasure out of it before he look up and says “oops!”. I could not believe this! What kind of girl was I becoming!? Two oops’s, back to back nights, different guys! Well shit! What are the chances I could have a kid now! The first guy hates kids, is irresponsible, and not someone I could count on in the end, the second I didn’t know well enough, long enough to ever fathom the thought of having a kid with. I could not believe I had done something so stupid. I needed my best friend, my ex. I went through some serious self-evaluating. I needed to hear that I was being stupid and that I was worth so much more than meaningless sex with guys that I meant nothing to. I needed to start believing in myself and my worth again. Turns out that a friends with benefits creates a bad sense of self, self-loathing.

Luckily for me and a 50 dollar pill I am not pregnant. I do not know what I would have done if I was. Thanks to my two best friends I am getting through this and re-building my life and my self-worth.  I have learned a lot about myself in this experience so I would not trade it for anything. I have learned that I am worth something. I am worth loving, caring for, being around. I deserve love, a relationship, stability. I am a good woman and I am not going to settle for anything less anymore. The more I was going through this the more I realized what a good guy is and the more I missed him. The more I felt like I would never find anyone again. That is where these mixed signals come in. I love him more than anything, I would do anything for him, no matter how much it hurt me. I don’t know if things will ever work with us on a romantic level, though from time to time I want nothing more than that, I know that I cannot live my life without him, or without my other best friend. No matter what I do they always stick with me, tell me when I am being stupid, and when don’t listen they are there to help me still.  I go back and forth on my feelings, sometimes I miss it, sometimes I want to have fun but then I have to remember everything I have gone through, going through, and will go through and its just not worth it anymore.  I am coming into my own in a new way. I thought I had it all figured out, I had all the answers but the truth is I learn something new about myself every single day and with each new thing I learn, I realize more and more that It is okay not to have the answers. I am going to mess up, do dumb things but I will always come out stronger for it.